Humour

A new chai hotel around the block, hai mar javaan

Posted on November 17, 2007. Filed under: Blogroll, Humour |

I have been alerted to the opening of a new chaikhanah going by the sinister sounding name Pak Tea House just around the block. And it was no newsmonger but one of the proprietors of the new place himself. I thought Raza Rumi was a decent person who came in once in a while because he liked my milkshake. Seems now he was measuring his competition. We have crossed paths a couple of times at Pakistaniat but nothing in his demeanor allerted me to this mini coup. Come to think of it, the news sounded more like an announcement. A challenge of sorts, if you will. Such challenges are routine in the world of a chai walah who has to compete with a dozen other vendors selling the same fragrant elixir on the same railway platform or bazaar. But these new guys are dangerous. I went to their new joint and it is shiny and upscale. Where we serve you by the half-sets, they have a proper tea service. Our desi biscut have nothin on their Danish delights. This Lahori Dagga is perplexed in the face of a team of highly educated smarts over there.

But fear not my chotas. I will be paying them regular visits to steal business secrets and will frequently pollute the sitting area with brain farts. Its a plan then. Down with these hoity toity Tea House people then. You may go there and look around, you may even sample the goods, but you better not enjoy, and if you do enjoy, you better not let me find out. Warna. Warna murr jai ga aapka saxxy chaiwalah. hai

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Dear General Sahib, please take off the uniform.

Posted on May 1, 2007. Filed under: Humour, Politics |

Our glorious leader, General Musharraf has said he will not take off his uniform until his re-election through the current assemblies. Politicos have pointed out the unconstitutionality of such a situation. They say an assembly cannot re-elect a president for a full second term. As if a military dictator, cum chief executive, cum president until someone kills him, cum chief patron of cricket, cum anything else he might fancy, is a constitutional position.

People who have read more books and write better essays seem stuck on these matters of constitutionality. But not me. Matters of religious dogma and political doctrine don’t hold my attention. The issues of the everyday life of layman are the real issues. The daily perils he faces are scarier than any so-called anti-islamic conspiracies. And that is why I am bothered by the General’s statement. I wonder how his stubbornness on this matter is going to effect the quality of life for those around him and those, whose lives he goads. Thus the following appeal to our glorious leader:

Sir, in the coming months there is going to be a lot of heat on you. Taliban terrorists, cunning politicians, even the trusty Americans are going to be on your case. You are already looking harrangued and your brows leaden with sweat. And then the real heat arrives. People sweat buckets even under shade in the Pakistani summer. And when the monsoons come, the country becomes one large steam room for weeks. The hot air is aromatized by the steaming human and animal feces littered on earth. Even the pretty girls stink in those months. Please Sir, reconsider your adamency on this matter. Take it off for a few hours when no one is looking. Maybe you can take off the uniform at night in the privacy of your bedroom. Have the first lady wash it and iron it dry while you take a well deserved and truly needed shower and scrubbing. I am confident, despite her recently luxurious life, begum Saba can still wash a shirt for you. And then you can put it back on when it is time to strut in front of your servant country.

Please sir, don’t make it any harder for the army to salute you. Their salutes, prod your salutes in answer and that lets escape whiffs from the underarms. In that regard may I also recommend a super strong deodorant. Mitchum claims its deodorant is so strong you can skip a day. I will vouch for that claim. I can FedEx you a couple months supply from costco for cheap. Daily showers at night, while begum sahiba washes the uniform and a liberal application of a medicated deodorant and you might just make all this bearable for yourself and the rest.

Please Sir, do the right thing. Do it for your wife and child. Do it for those who heed your commands without complaint. Do it for the country that serves you and the mighty army you command. Do it for yourself. Please think about taking off the uniform. We have had enough of this.

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Talibaat-e- Jamia Hafsa dance for the jehadis

Posted on April 10, 2007. Filed under: Humour, Jamia Hafsa Ninjas |

I found this video on youtube a while ago. What better time than now to share some hijabi gyrations.

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Cell Phone (mobile) snatching in Pakistan

Posted on April 2, 2007. Filed under: Chief Justice of Pakistan, Humour |

A while ago, while probing the matter of our hidden mehdi – the Justice Rana Bhagwandas, I and many others were perplexed by the seeming inability of all to get in touch with him much less find the man. We wondered aloud if the judge had a cell phone. If yes, could someone please give him a call and apprise him of the situation at home. Some said, he was an old fashioned person and did not carry a cellular phone. Others said he had a phone but wasn’t answering it. I asked if his phone was snatched on the street. The one good news, or lack thereof of any news, out of that suspense was that the judge hadn’t become a victim of street crime after all.

He wouldn’t have been the first person in Pakistan or India to have had their cellular (mobile) phone snatched. Mobile snatching is in vogue among the small time street criminals of the sub-continent. Surprisingly, friends and family who have been victims feel more inconvenienced than victimised. The majority comment considers the snatched mobile phone a Sadqa.

Now we have a cell phone snatching to top all cell phone snatchings. Turns out the entire political drama being played out in Pakistan started with a cell phone snatching. The paklaw blog allerted me to Friday Times quoting a fly on the wall of the infamous camp office where and when the CJ was asked to resign. Instead of blinking he whipped out his cell phone. Maybe he was about to play his cards. The prime minister and his goons at that point realized that Justice Iftikhar was still the CJ and could turn the tables on them from the offices of the apex court. Lacking a plan B following the failure of their forced resignation plan they went into panic mode and we know the rest of the story. They snatched the cell phone thus effectively cutting him off from his office, detained him illegally against his will, and perpetuated this whole shambolic affair. The half-assed petition, the raggeddy supreme judicial council, the multiple acting chief justices, what a farce.

What is surprising is this discovery that mobile phone snatching is a gateway crime. You can start with a phone snatching and end up breaking not just one law but the whole constitution. Good job! king of thieves, lord of dacoits, prime minister of Pakistanis. If the snatched mobile phone of the chief justice is a sadqa, it better have averted our nation a biblical catastrophy.

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Sheikh Rashid’s Prayer

Posted on March 17, 2007. Filed under: Chief Justice of Pakistan, Humour, Politics, Sheikh Rashid |

“ Oh Allah, how humble I feel before your grace today. My knees are shaking, my head unable to erect and my eyes unable to shut off tears. Today I bow to your infinite wisdom, for it is only you who gives and takes away all worldly things; fortune, fame and hair.

There were days when I was the minister of information. My nation was fortunate to watch my rugged Kashmiri looks everyday on T.V and newspapers. My manly voice made many a women shake, for I was the liaison between the government and the people of Pakistan. Main mouthpiece they called me, a distinction I wore with honor and pride. I was “the man” of the government. You tested my skills with many in swinging yorkers, the nationwide agitation of MMA, Kalabagh Dam and Taliban to name a few, but I flicked them with no more than a small movement of my tongue straight to the boundary. Every night when I came home (sometimes even my own home) I used to unwind by turning the T.V on and watching myself on the screen. It not only soothed me but my servant tells me that it soothed millions of people in Pakistan as well. I will always be thankful to you for choosing me to become your gift to Pakistan.

I had held many other portfolios before Information ministry. Most important of them probably my assignment as the minister of culture. I had the film industry under me, both literally and figuratively. I am thankful to you for that but Information ministry always felt like my real calling. I was made to do that.

Then that awful day came when I was told that I would no longer be the information minister of Pakistan. I felt as if my life had come crashing down. I was angry, I was hopeless and I felt cheated. How can I be replaced? Have they found another Kashmiri to take my place? Whose voice will keep the men informed and women dreaming after I left? I had questions and concerns regarding the serious mistake the government had made.

I thought complaining to you then thought better of it. How can a mere mortal complain to you Almighty? My Pir told me that I could in fact complain to you. If it is okay for Alama Iqbal to do so then it must be okay for me since Alama and myself are both Kashmiris by your grace. I could not argue with that logic even though I had a lot of practice arguing against logic from my previous job. I came to you, I complained, I cried. I even begged for a good appointment next. I went to my Pir and told him that I had complained to you. In response he said that there must be some divine logic behind the decision. Now I am a very, very intelligent person but I could not see how there could be a silver lining behind this cloud. I was humiliated especially when other cabinet members started mocking me in cabinet meetings by making the sounds of whistling train engine. It was over for me. I knew that you didn’t listen to my begging and praying.

Then came March 9th, 2007. A day that will forever live in infamy. General sacked the Chief Justice. All the mouthpieces of the government were busy explaining the constitutionality of the decision and trying to justify the actions. A little voice inside told me that maybe this is the divine reasoning my Pir Sahib was talking about, but being very, very intelligent I shrugged it off. Now being so very, very intelligent I knew that this thing will be over soon. No one would care and the issue will die during the weekend. Boy o boy was I wrong!

March 13th, 2007 started normally. I woke up, stared at myself in the mirror for an hour like I do everyday. Had my usual breakfast of a dozen puris and went to the office. What happened between 11.45 A.M and 2 P.M made my jaw drop. First time in my life my mouth was open so wide without having food near it. The screams of divine reasoning, divine reasoning, divine reasoning rang in my mind. My knees buckled and I dropped on the floor. All I could recite was I am glad I am not the information minister over and over again. How could I have defended that in the media? I was humbled my lord, by your divine intervention designed to save my dignity or whatever I have left of it. Just as I was about to stand up after three days of thanking you profusely I heard the news of GEO office been raided and vandalized by the police. Oh lord seems like another three days of thanks are due.

I am planning on wearing a torn black jacket to the next cabinet meeting to mock Mr. Durrani who used to make fun of me with the whistle. Now I would love to see what you have in the box for him. As for me, I will never find enough courage to complain to you again. Even if I am granted the ministry of religious affairs.”

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